Anastasia’s* Domestic Violence Story

It began like a wonderful love story. I wasn’t looking and he just had everything I was looking for. In fact too much. It took him awhile to get to me and by the time he did I was head over heels. We were together for 6 1/2 wonderful years. We built a business and a life, had blended our family and what I thought was a happy one. That was until something changed. I started to notice things right away. When he couldn’t keep up with our life he decided to feign an accident. What I thought was traumatic brain injury and yes he did have brain damage. In fact from a previous accident in which he put himself behind a car and let someone hit him. He lost his leg which now I know makes sense since losing a limb means more money. He was in a coma and pretended to be the ultimate forgiving victim. Even forgiving the so called drunk driver who hit him. He almost won a two million dollar settlement that way. I found it strange but he never received the money in the settlement. He did however claim that his ex wife ran off with someone else and his child. This I found out recently from his first ex was nothing but lies. What I would later find out is that he was a serious con. Not just any con but a sick, twisted and narcissistic one. My life was normal one day and by the next was just in turmoil.

I found that while I was taking him to doctors getting MRI’s and yes they were definitely shocking. He had mostly grey matter in his brain and a whole lot of internal damage. I knew right away that most of this damage was the reason for the lack of sympathy, empathy as well as the seizures and more that he was exhibiting. But there was something underlying that caused my red flags to go up. He lacked impulse control. Flying in rages and saying things like he was going to kill us both. He would scream he hated god and why did god do this to him. His eyes were knocked out of alignment and he was having trouble with even spitting out the right words which infuriated him more. He took everything out on me and his daughter. He came after me constantly. He would fly off the handle for no reason. Call me names, grab me, push me down on the bed. The day he held a gun to my head I told him to shoot me. I had enough. No one was hearing me. Not the doctors, not his family and no one knew what was happening behind closed doors. He would insist on driving slamming the brakes of the car and saying he was going to kill us both and get it over with. He acted paranoid and at times would accuse me of kidnapping him while I was driving and he would order me to pull over and let him out. Several times I let him walk. I thought that I had an obligation to this man I loved so much to help him get back to who I thought he was.

Over the period of six months I noticed more and more the signs of an addict. He would wear sun glasses claiming he couldn’t handle the light. He would fly off the handle at doctors offices especially when they wanted to draw blood. He put a carbon monoxide leak in our home which almost killed us all including his two children. Our dogs were even afraid of him. He threatened to kill them too. Anything I loved was smashed and broken. He would break down doors coming after me, he would scream that no one loved me and that no one would believe me either.

At one point I felt so isolated that no matter who I called he had that covered too. While he was locking me out of the house in my robe in the middle of winter with no shoes on. Constantly screaming at the top of his lungs and saying the worse things I have ever heard with the most broken filter on the planet I was noticing more and more. Like when the police would come how calm he was. They came out several times. When he would push my buttons and I would start to react. Then he would try t o record me. I laughed at one point and asked if he read the entire manual on domestic violence. He had told everyone that I was crazy and making it all up. Even though this man committed himself three months after this started. I was dealing with doctors, lawyers, schedules in which no normal human being could handle. I had began to realize shortly before the last and final incident at the house that his daughter was also doing drugs. In fact he had her doing it with him. I started more and more noticing foil and pen pieces. I kept thinking the dogs were just getting into the garbage.

The doctors had safety plans set up. Like he would stick to those. They wanted me to get the kids out of the house knowing he was becoming more dangerous. Eventually CSD was called by doctors. Things were getting more and more dangerous. I had lost so much weight I was tired and dizzy much of the time. I was almost giving up. Then the next gun to my head came and a light bulb went off. I told him I knew everything. I told him that I would not get on my knees and beg to stay. He would have to kill me first. Well that wasn’t in his plan this time. I told him I was leaving and the next thing I knew he took my car, leaving me out in the country with two trucks with no gas. While driving erratically and backing out he screamed you’ll get your divorce bitch. was isolated out there. Trying to call 911 but the police force had been cut. They couldn’t get out to me until late in the afternoon and it was still morning. What I know now is he went to the local domestic violence shelter pretending to be a victim. He told them I was dangerous and they helped him get a restraining order against me. I spoke to the advocate later after he drug out the court appearances and she finally decided to let me know. I was so sick that day, shaking and nervous I called me daughters. I had almost no strength. I had to wait. I called his nuero psychiatrist who assured me he would calm down. When I got a call from my cousin saying he was at my Aunt’s house telling them some wild story and how he needed to get a restraining order she decided to call. I was floored. How can a judge do that. He is dangerous and insane. I have medical paperwork and bruises to prove it. I didn’t know what to do. I just knew I had to leave. I was in shock. Everything in the house was mine. Everything I had worked for. He had nothing when I met him. In fact I had helped him get disability, his license back, start a business and for all those years he was the perfect husband. I was confused, sick, stranded and felt so dizzy. Later on I would find out that he had drugged me. Blood tests and hair strand tests would prove it. I guess he forgot though that I keep evidence. My doctors did too. They had tests showing that I had never had done drugs in my life.

I weighed maybe 90 lbs. I was so sick I could barely stand but I finally got in touch with my daughter and she arrived. My other daughter was dropped off. I knew something was coming but what I had no idea. We thought if I just changed the locks, got a restraining order or things together and left that I would be okay. I didn’t know at the time that Sheriff’s would be arriving to take me out of my own home. Giving me 20 minutes to get my belongings. I was in such shock, shaking and crying not understanding anything. I believe that I walked around with a slipper for five minutes and then a cheese grater. It was devastating. I would have to leave my dogs behind. Would I see them again? Would I get to see belongings as well. Family heirlooms an entire house that had my life, my children’s lives, my grandchildren’s lives tucked inside. My oldest daughter took my shoulders and said Mom, its time to go. We only have a few minutes left. As I tell this story my eyes still fill with tears. My grandchildren were in the car. My daughters went into action grabbing my pictures, my things they knew I cherished. Clothes, shoes, personal things and then the officer said it was time to go. I had never been violent in my life. In fact quite the opposite. I was an advocate myself.

It took me a few weeks of his stalking, sending his friends by and just harassment to go to the doctor and tell them what happened. They were so kind. They knew me so this shook them up. In fact most people who know me know the work I do on behalf of victims. I fought back and contested the order, got a restraining order on him. He put our dogs up for free on facebook. We retrieved them. He did anything and everything he could to slander, defame and say the worst things I have ever seen. He had an affair and the best part he left a whole lot of evidence. I had in his own words, his medical records, facebook messages, text messages, pictures. One of my daughters grabbed our computer tower and he had put a password on it. He was trying to delete evidence of our lives. Of my property of our property. Pictures, taxes and anything that would help. Well he didn’t get far. We saved it all. I worked with advocates from three counties to help.

He left me penniless, draining our bank accounts and blaming me. In fact I didn’t have much at all. But I had my car back, my dignity returning and as I fought back. He got worse. He kept stalking and when he kept dragging out the contesting of the order for months he finally after five times in court did not show up. Which by then he knew the evidence I had. No judge understood at that point considering I had seen five and they had not gotten the full story. He used a one mile rule in one county to continue abuse while law enforcement did nothing in the other that we actually lived in. The more evidence I collected, the more I dug. The more victims I found. He shot himself in his only foot and committed fraud. He had a felony so I set about continuing to collect evidence. He thought he was so above the law. He put pictures of himself holding guns on facebook. He threatened the lives of people we knew. He destroyed all my property and put that up on social media as well.

When I thought he couldn’t do anymore. He did. When he got divorce papers the day my aunt died and he couldn’t find me still he hired people to try. He got frustrated and finally he tried a false stalking order against me to try to find me that way. Draw me out. Knowing that I would never want that on any record. My education is in psychology and criminal justice. It would ruin my chances at a job. When I contested that. The most bizarre thing so far was that he told the judge he wasn’t physically afraid of me but that I scared him with my intelligence. Wow. The judge dropped the order but not before he used it to serve me divorce papers. The judge ordered him to lovingly pack my belongings and return them. He didn’t follow the judges orders. He set fire to things, most of it was missing, broken or ruined. A few things survived like this colorful rooster I had that became a beacon for me. I see it everyday that I wake up and on the days I don’t feel like continuing I see that reminder and get up anyway.

I found that he grew up in the area so corruption is great. My restraining order being deleted from the Sheriff’s department system on the day I retrieve my belongings and on a Sunday no less. He has done a whole lot more but my satisfaction came the day I sent picture’s someone sent me of the guns he was carrying and told them they better arrest him this time. He is a felon in possession of firearms with a restraining order. They finally did. He was bailed out of course. I believe they arrested him twice. So far I have no idea what is happening because I am too busy trying to piece my life back together.

The idea that there is no funding for women without children, that the lack of education with domestic violence is still a hundred years back in the dark ages and that legal help is almost impossible to find let alone fund when your financially indigent is hard to grasp. All of this has not only opened my eyes on a whole new level to the corruption, the violence and narcissistic sociopaths in general but to the public and the general lack of involvement with our shelters. We need more help out here plain and simple. I am planning on a media event. We need changes made. Our counties, especially rural ones are suffering greatly. If the idea that there are 3 officers policing 760 miles doesn’t scare people it should. The more I have learned the more I know that my days as an advocate are just beginning.

Anastasia*
January 2015