Ainslee’s* Domestic Violence Story

My story of violence unfortunately is not limited to just two men. I am 23 years old and have moved across the world only to make the same mistake again. Originally from England I fled to Australia to escape my first violent partner, onlt to meet someone far worse over here. So heres my story…

I will begin my story at the beginning I guess, its a good place to start. Back in England I was 18 years old, had just broken up with a boyfriend of 3 years who was a wonderful person but we grew apart. My mother lived in Australia with her husband and I lived in England with my grandma. When my grandma passed away I guess I switched on self destruct mode, because that is when things really began to change for me. I had known Aidan* for many years, I come from a small town where everybody knows everybody’s business. I had no idea what he was like, admittedly I knew he was a little bit of a rebellious character, but I think with my self destruct mode switched on that was part of the attraction. Aidan and I dated for 2 years, he was controlling and abusive from pretty early in. But with my confidence at an all time low I stayed, well I had little choice, I had no where else to go. He would taunt me saying my Mum didnt care about me, she was in Australia she had “abandoned me”. I was 45kgs as he always told me I was fat, had saggy breats, was ugly, looked like a child.. etc etc. He has punched, kicked, spat at, strangled, abused but worst for my personally bitten me. Biting was his favorite, he would bite my face until it drew blood.. which left a nasty mark for a good few weeks. Just another way to degrade and strip me of my dignity. One particular night I had just gotten out of the shower and was drying my hair with a towel bent over… he came from behind and kicked me in the gut, he then strangled me with a phone charger I thought I was going to die. He then dragged me out of the house butt naked in the middle of the English winter and locked me out. A neighbor came and offered their help…yet again, another degrading incident proving me to be, in his eyes the “whore” he said I was. That night i drove to a family friends, battered and bruised and with zero personal belongings I booked a flight to Australia and flew the next day. I left my friends, everything I knew, quit Uni..all in hope of a better life in Aus. How wrong I was.

I met Tom* pretty soon after arriving in Australia. I had managed to get a job in a local coffee shop and was starting to earn my own money and make a few friends. I was still in a very bad place, but with little to do to take my mind off Aidan, when I saw Tom I welcomed the attraction. He was beautiful. I had never been so attracted to anyone, 120kgs with dark brown hair and crystal blue eyes, a body builder. I was so into him. He would come into the shop and get a coffee most days and had told the other girls he liked me. Eventually he came in with a bunch of flowers and asked me on a date. We went out that night to the movies and for dinner and it was the happiest I had been in years. He had his own company, a beautiful home, was funny, charming and a gentleman. He was all I wanted and more. I was in heaven. His mother had died when he was 12 years old, and I just wanted to give him all the love he had missed out on. My parents liked him, and after Aidan that was so important to me. I vowed never to get with someone my family didnt like again. I really thought Tom was my soul mate.

Things were amazing for around 6 months, I would finish work and there would be dinner cooking, a bath ran with rose petals in and a bottle of wine waiting for me when I got home. He was forever buying me gifts and spoiling me rotten. We bounced off each other, he was hilarious, we had all the same interests, we would stay awake for hours talking…well I think i’ve made my point. I was head over heels, and I thought he was too. Suddenly, his business started to not do so well, and without being able to exert his dominance financially, Tom began to change. What initially began as flattering behavior turned into possesive controlling behavior. What used to be a “wow you look beautiful” turned into a “wow you look like a slut”. The first incident of violence was one day I came home to all of my belongings broken and in the front garden, I thought we had been robbed. I went to open the door and was greated by Toms huge body blocking my way, he picked me up and threw me on the concrete which dislocated my shoulder.. and then shut the door and ignored my cries, calls, knocks. I had to call a friend to come and drive me to the hospital. This was all because he had been seen with another woman that day and I had simply asked him who she was… Oh that was another thing, he had begun to cheat on me while I was at work, and for some reason I believed him when he convinced me I was paranoid and crazy and an idiot. Since found out I was right all along.

Now to cut a very long story very short I will run through a few of the worst incidents which followed. I moved out, and moved in with a friend of mine into a house. In this time toms business went from bad to worse and he Couldnt afford the rent alone, so he became “homeless”I was helping him out letting him stay, but eventually due to his violence my friend said he was no longer welcome in the house, so I had to ask him to leave. It was then that things got out of control, He slept outside my house in his car for over a week, he would follow me to work, home from work, be waiting for me at lunch. He had, without me knowing had a key cut to my house, so I would wake up in the night he would be sat on my bed, and would attack me. I would go in the shower, he would be in the lounge when I got out. He was very clever and majority of the time knew when I would be home alone. He did some unspeakable things to me in this time… The worst two incidents were new years eve and new years day. New years eve my house mate had left to go to a party, and I was getting ready to go over to my other friends for the evening. I had just got out of the shower and was laying on my bed on my laptop when my door burst open and there is Tom, he shut the door behind him and said “its my rules today princess” during his 1 hour fury, he snapped my tv remote in half with his hands, broke my phone, tv, straightners, punched me, spat on me and tried to strangle me, the neighbors knocked on the door twice but Tom told me to ignore… eventually 10 police came dashing through the house. 7 different people had called the police that night, thats how bad the incident was.. remembering this was new years eve, goes to show how severe things were. Tom got put in a holding cell and released on bail that night. New years day I was in the shower, got out and checked my phone and had a text message from tom which was a photo graph of my downstairs lounge room, his way of letting me know he was in the house.. I went down stairs and sure there he was. He grabbed me, pinned me against the wall and told me he was going to kill me… He then proceeded to give me another beating, during this time the neighbor came round again, tom this time made me answer the door, covered in blood and tears and half dressed and tell the neighbor to go away. Knowing they were going to call the police, Tom then dragged me to his car. He was driving erratically for about an hour, he kept pulling over to punch or molester me or whatever took his fancy at the time. I eventually saw my opportunity when the car infront slowed to turn into a car park and jumped out of the car. I rolled into the middle of the road, lost a shoe, injured my leg… but with Tom crashing the car getting out and running after me, I somehow found the strength to run into the nearest shop…they then Hid me in the back and called the cops. Tom came in twice demanding they gave me to him, when they told him they had called the police he left on foot. (As he had crashed his car) Tom was then a “wanted man”… The next day he text me asking to meet him, I arranged to meet him at a hotel and sent the police… he was then arrested. That was 6 months ago and he has been in Jail ever since, until last week he got granted bail. We are still waiting on a court date but he is charged with 7 different charges and I have been told could get up to 7 years. Unfortunately where I live is a small town and I have seen him since he got released but he simply turned and walked away. I guess after 6 months jail time hes realised hes not the big man he thought he was.

I have been to hell and back again. But the only way to get through hell is to keep going. I have good days and bad, but I have still held down a good job, I am now living in an apartment on my own and have bought myself a kitten for company. Trying to appreciate the simple pleasures in life. I have come along way, but I have learnt never to get too ahead of myself and things arent always what they seem. I am understandably finding it hard to trust again, just hope one day to find someone who doesnt abuse my trust. My message to other girls in the same situation is, dont listen to what they tell you about who you are, you know who you are, and you are stronger than they think. You can leave, and you must.

Ainslee*
July 2007