Cynthia’s* Domestic Violence Story

During my freshman year of college, I met a guy named Matt from the school library who had the same health and wellness teacher as me so I decided to discuss our first test with him. When we were discussing our test, we started talking to each other about our personal lives and such. He was a really fun and interesting person to talk to and also smart and cute. He told me about the things that he was involved in and the way that he helps others. He even mentored for children. I was really impressed with this because I had never met a guy like him in my whole life. And since he was older than me, I felt really special because I always felt that older guys are better than guys my age.

But two days later after the day we met, he asked me to hang with him when I was busy editing baby shower pictures that I promised another friend that I would edit for her. I told him that I couldn’t hang because I was busy editing pictures for a friend that I promised her. Then he told me that I was no fun. I felt really bad that I didn’t get to hang with him that day so I apologized to him and explained why I could hang the day when we saw each other in the library again. He told me that it was ok and we started talking again and we continued talking to each other from that day on out. I would share my feelings with him. I will tell him that I was tired, stressed, or happy. I told him that I can hang the week after and then he told me that he was going to Louisiana. And then weeks after he will tell me that he is busy. It would make no sense because he was so despite to hang with me when I first met him and then after that he would do something else with someone else.

Until one Friday night, he sent me a text asking me if I wanted to study for a test at his apartment. I replied sure and then told my mom that I was going to study at his apartment. My mom forbid me to go to his apartment because she told me that something might happen to me and then she told me to go to a public place to study or have him come over to my house and study. I felt that my mom was just being too concerned about my life and is not allowing me to make my own choices, so I decided to lie to her saying that I would be visiting a girlfriend. Then my mom said that it was fine if I went to see her.
Next I quickly took a shower, ate my dinner, and then hopped into my car. When I was in my car, I called him and told him that I was leaving my house just to be polite. He asked me, “How do I even know where he lived?,” “Have I been stalking him?” I was shocked that he said that and then told him no. He already told me where he lived when I first met him so he has no right to accuse me for stalking. And then he told me to come and then yelled at me telling me not to bring anyone to his house and hung up. I was feeling a bit in pain when he said that but I decided to go to his house anyways and then over look the phone conversation.

When I entered his room, he offered me a half glass of wine. I really didn’t like the taste of it so I left the rest on the table and then he forced me to finish it. I pick up the glass and then finished the rest and then decided that I was done with drinking for that night. After that, I reminded him about working on the study guide and then he told me that he didn’t feel like starting because he was drunk. I told him that’s what I came here for and then he said that we will do it later. So we just sat there and talked. While we were talking, he showed me some flowers that he has on his kitchen table and asked me if they look good. I told him that it does and then he told me to say that it does. I told them that they looked cute on his kitchen table but I felt like I was being redundant because he just asked me if it look good and I said yes. And then he asked me if I can get him a $500 bike because he can’t afford it. I told him that I can’t. And then I told him that I don’t even have $500 which I really don’t. Then he asked me if my parents can get it for him. I told him that my parents won’t because they don’t even pay high prices for things.

After that he got another bottle of beer and then said that I could take one if I wanted. I told him no thank you because I didn’t want to drink again. Then he said that I was no fun and no one likes me so I took a bottle and took a few sips and then decided to throw it away. Then he yelled at me saying that he can’t afford so many beers so I can’t waste it. It really doesn’t make any sense for him to get mad about wasting beer because I didn’t want to drink it in the first place so I didn’t even want to get one. I also have a choice to how much I want to drink so I really didn’t need to feel pressure by him. I told him that I had to lie to my mom to come to his house so I can’t get drunk because I don’t want to go home trashy but instead he kept forcing me to drink it all. Then he offered me to sleep at his house if I was too drunk to drive home. I wasn’t allowed to sleep at any guys’ house so I didn’t know what to say to him to get away from drinking.

After that case, he got another bottle of beer and we just sat on the couch and started talking. I forced myself to drink it but I drank it slowly and then he raised his voice saying that I have been drinking the same beer for a long time. I really didn’t know what to say but anyways if he really wanted me to finish the beer he should allow me to take my time or he should have not even forced me to get one in the first place.

When he went into the bathroom, I was relieved and then I quickly got up and poured the rest of the beer into the sink and threw away the bottle. I felt good until he asked me to come into his bathroom and look at his toilet because he water was blue. And then he told me that if the water is not blue then the toilet is not clean. I was just grossed because I really hate blue water toilets so I told him that I’m grossed out. Then he said whatever no one likes me. He really didn’t have a right to say that at all because I have a right to choose what I like to see or want to see.

After that was over with, we just sat on the couch and started talking again. The conversation was peaceful until he decided to move his stuff around and then he will ask me opinions on where to put his things. I would suggest a place and then he would get mad when he disagreed with my idea. He really didn’t have the right to be mad because I am a human and I can’t read his mind. It is totally unrealistic for me to meet his desires. Then after that we sat and talked. While we talked, I told him that I got my baiting suit from Victoria’s Secret as a workout motivator. Then he asked me if I had it with me and I told him no I don’t have it. He then yelled at me saying that I am supposed to bring it. And then I asked why. And then he said that I need to try it on to show him if it looks good on me. He told me that he wanted to see me in a bikini. Since I didn’t have it with me, he asked me if I was wearing Victoria’s Secret Panties. I told him that I was and then he demanded me to let him see them. I said no but he kept saying that he wanted to see them reputedly. I don’t have to do so if I don’t want since that’s something personal. And then he asked me if I wanted to see his boxers and then I said no I’m good. Then he said that I was embarrassed and needed to get out of it. The thing is that he has no right to force me to strip if I don’t want to do so and I really don’t like stripping anyways because it just makes me look trashy.

After that he asked me if I have ever made out with anyone, and I told him no. He then yelled at me saying that I have never made out with anyone. He made me seem like I was worthless and unlikable. He then forced me to make out and then we went to his room and made out on his bed. I was really grossed out when he stuck his tongue into my mouth and it tasted really gross. I really wanted this to stop but then it got worse when he forced me to take off my shirt, bra, and then pants. After I took off all my clothes he climbed on top of me and started making out again but this time it got to a point where he pulled down my underwear. I told him that I didn’t want him to have sex and then he had sex with me anyways. I really hated this situation and was really scared but I had to pretend to like it and it was hard. I was upset that I lost my virginity and then scared that I might be pregnant.

After he got done having sex, he saw that there was blood on his bed and then he got mad at me for it. I told him that we shouldn’t have done it in the first place. And then he said whatever. I said well you can’t blame me for it since you chose to do it. After that he covered it up and then we went back to the living room and talked. I told him that I needed to take a pregnancy test and then he raised his voice saying that I’m not going to be pregnant and told me not to take one. I was upset but was too afraid to cry. I asked him how he knows that I’m not pregnant when you can’t even predict that I am or not. Then he told me that I didn’t get too into you geez. He really has no right not to allow me to take a pregnancy test because it’s my choice to take one or not. Then he told me not to tell anyone that he raped me so I didn’t report the case because of that incident. After that I left my house and then he shouted out saying if the police pulls you over then you will get a dui. He has no right to tell me such a thing because he wanted me to drink in the first place. My stomach was painful for the next few days and I thought that I was pregnant. I told him that my stomach hurt when I couldn’t stand the pain myself. He told me to go and get something to eat. I told him that it had nothing to do with eating because it lasted for a few days and then he told me that I didn’t have to worry about it. I was upset that he told me that because I really wanted him to come get a pregnancy test with me. A person who really loves you will be willing to allow you to take a pregnancy test. So I went and got a pregnancy test myself and then was surprised that I was negative.

Days after that incident, my life changed because he was more emotionally and verbally abusive to me. I started losing interest in school, student government, and friends. My grades started dropping, I wasn’t as involved with student government as I used to been, and I started talking to my other friends less because all I had in my mind was how he was going to treat me when I see him on certain days. He got worse after that but I still loved him so I still had contact with him. He would be nice some days but abusive another. He would verbally and emotionally abuse me. I had days when I would try to hide from him because I was too afraid that he would abuse me and treat me like crap. But there are days when I would be strong to talk to him and I would ask him to do something with me and he would make excuses saying he was busy or doing something else to make me look like I’m not fun. It really doesn’t make any sense because he would be despite to want to hang with me when we first met. Then the abuse would continue days after and I was too scared to even tell anyone about it until it started escalating up to a point where I had to tell. The time when I told was the time he graduated college, I felt that I was free to tell. So I told my friend, went to a support group, my parents, and my teacher and I felt better telling. I even told his child mentor supervisor about him raping me and she decided not to allow him to serve as a mentor anymore.

After I felt better, I would decide to still go back and contact him to work things out with him. So I called him one day, and he told me that he was fine and we had a little talk and then a few days later I went by to his apartment area and decided to talk to him and when I saw him, he was angry that he can’t be a mentor for children anymore so he yelled at me and called me a liar for telling his child mentor supervisor about the rape incident and then he told me that I can go to jail for lying. It really hurt me a lot and it made me feel like I lied about the whole thing when I didn’t. After that incident, I ran and told my health teacher what happened and she told me to stay away from him for good so I decided to stay away from him. But I still felt guilty from that incident because he just accused me of lying and I was afraid that he would sue me for it. I went home and called my local rape crisis center for women and they told me that there is no need for me to worry about him suing me and that I needed to stay away from him for the rest of my life because I am only hurting myself and making myself feel sorry. I decided to stay away until the next week when I called him telling him that I was tired of him controlling me and hurting me. He just said what are you talking about and that I have always been nice to you. I decided to end it there. ABUSERS WILL NEVER CHANGE AND IT IS REALLY IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO END THE RELATIONSHIP EARLY BECAUSE YOU ARE ONLY MAKING YOUR SELF FEEL SORRY INSTEAD OF DOING YOUR SELF A FAVOR. So I encourage every woman that is in any type of domestic violence relationship, just to end the relationship without trying to change their abusers because you can’t change them, you can only change yourself. It might be hard but you are actually saving yourself from getting into further danger. I had a hard time staying away from my abuser too but if I can do it, I’m sure you can to.

Cynthia*
September 2011

*Names have been changed to protect identities