Leila’s* Domestic Violence Story

I met my Verbal Abuser while I was still married to my wonderful ex-husband. He was quite the opposite as my V.A. I will call my abuser Julio, and not because he looks like Julio Iglesias, he doesn’t.

I had just gotten divorced, and Julio seemed so no nonsense man. He was in a very bad marriage with a relative of mine. She had had several husbands and I assumed that it was her the one with the problem, not so much him. What I did not realize is that while she was drawn to drama and abusive men, this one was no different.

After one real bad incident between Julio and his wife, he was thrown out. She filed a police report and an order for his arrest was out. He asked me for help. I was eager to help him out, since I never believed that he was abusive. He asked me to lunch and I accepted, I thought we would just be friends and nothing else.  But sin always takes you further than you want to go, and the cost is much higher than you want or can pay. He had to take Anger Management classes ordered by the court. It was costing him close to $100.00 dollars a week. I felt sorry for him. The poor guy was so nice, I thought.

I was so tired of being verbally abused by my family members, at this point my welcome had been worn out. I had just started a job, and each family member was taking bets as to how long I would last in that job.

He asked me to recommend a good hotel that he could rent by the week. So, I did. It was nice with a full size kitchen, clean, etc at a reasonable price.

He knew I wanted to rest, so he let me sleep in his bed. It felt peaceful to see him in the recliner, watching my sleep. Soon after we became inseparable, but in secret as my extended family could not know that I was seeing my close relative’s husband! I was at such a low point in my life, vulnerable. I had never been without my ex-husband’s support, emotional as well as financial. I couldn’t even change a tire, and Julio was available to be my protector. He immediatly gave me a credit card that had $30.000 available credit, with a zero balance!

He made me feel special. That is where my walk through the abuse cycle started. He appeared to be charming, nice, etc. I just did not want to see the red flags. There was an incident where he got angry because he got drunk, and asked me to drive, the parking lot was very big and I asked him which exit I should take since there were several. He got downright vicious. He made feel stupid and I was not used to someone being so ugly and rude. He blamed it all on the stress he had because of the domestic abuse pending case he was facing with his soon to be ex wife.  Little did I know this was him, this was his usual self.

There was another incident when we went shopping for a stereo and all the components, speakers, dvd player etc. he said so many ugly things to me, that all I remember was that he said he did not believe in marriage and he was not going to be my next husband.
At the time I was renting my own apartment, so I went to my apt. when he fell asleep, but he woke up and he was nice. He called me to ask me to come back. I did. That started my road to ten long years of verbal abuse, right on the edge of becoming physical abuse.

To avoid the shame of being with my relative’s husband we moved to another part of the country. He finished his Anger Management course. It did not help him at all. He was even angrier after his meetings.

The first year we lived together he raged over small things such as the water heater was not giving hot water, I suggested that we call the landlord. He said he wasnt stupid and could take care of it himself. He said a bunch of ugly, nasty things to me. I was confused, I did not know why he acted like that or what I had done to provoke him.

I also found out he was a drug addict, besides being an alcoholic. He couldn’t get enough of being around other people who drank, and when he got home, he got on the phone to talk to other drinking buddies so he could tell him how he was so skinny so they could assume that he was doing cocaine. He was not skinny at all. He was a bully with his own mother and any one else around him.

He never hit me, but he did squeeze my arm hard for no reason at all. Each weekend he would drink and drink. He would be out with his friends and come home loaded, drunk and drugged. Yet, I thought that he would grow out of it.

When I told I wanted to move out, he cried and begged me not to leave him. I stayed firm for two weeks, but then broke down and stayed. I lost the deposit money. Two weeks later he was raging hitting walls, breaking things, yelling etc.  A month later I again wanted to move and this time I did manage to move into the new apartment but he reeled me back in.  I rented an apartment and paid rent for six months prior to this, and never could make myself move.

I attempted to leave him at least ten times. He always manipulated me with the belief that we could stay together forever and after all I did not have anyone else. My family no longer speaks to me. Why would they? Isolated, with no friends, no family support, he was king.

For awhile we had two apartments but kept seeing each other. When he got good and ready he went back to my relative! He did not tell me that he was going to do that. He even spent the eveing prior to him going back making love. Sex was not so pleasant, but I wanted to please him.

He had been ugly to me the week before. I guess he wanted me to not speak to him, or to let him go, but he kept calling me. I was confused. His going back to his ex wife hurt me so much, I felt used, discarded, even my mother was being nice to him.
This was after I had been with him for over five years.

I was so foolish! After a few months he returned, and I was foolish enough to take him back thinking he had realized it was me that he loved, and that all his addictions were gone like he had told me. The abuse continued for a couple of years longer, and I left him several times again.

I am tired of writing and thinking of all the things he did to hurt me and make feel like so low. Good thing I never believed that I deserve to be treated that way. He would put every member of my family down, and he would tell me they aren’t worth crap etc etc
He would go to bars and meet other women, and I was so foolish that I didn’t think he was looking for other women. He met a women that he really liked and proceed to move in with her. He liked her so well because she bought him a motorcycle. During that year he kept going back and forth between me and the other women. I should have had some dignity and never allowed anything like this, but no. I would take him back thinking I loved him. This can not be love. I think she got sick and tired of him and he came back to live with me. The fool! I attempted to leave him a few times, lost my job in an attempt to move out of state, only to be rejected by my family. They refused to help me. I had to return to my apartment, with him in it. He was only too happy to take me back. He was happy to have me back, only to start abusing me again a few weeks later.

I found another job, and lost it after a couple of months. I always had a job and paid most of the bills, since he needs to have lots of money for his addictions. He would say something abusive every day, but he raged and yelled at least two or three times a week. He said it had nothing to do with my not having a job. I believed he was overwhelmed thinking all the responsibility was his. Over the years, when he had no job for a few weeks, I took care of the household bills with no complaints. And of course, with no abuse from me to him.

I got sick and tired and one day I put his clothes out by the door and pretended to leave the apartment. I changed the locks. I left for a few days. I am unemployed, all because I wanted to leave him in the first place! He kept sending me text messages through my cell phone. I changed the phone number. I will barely make ends meet with the unemployment benefits money, but it feels good to be free of abuse. He can not possibly love me and tell me that he wants to burn the couch with me in it. He has threatened to kill me several times.

Today my stomach hurt due to stress, anxiety. I had to walk the dog, and it was dark. The last message he sent me, he sounded very angry. This time is different. I am not going back. I stayed in my apartment with my things in it. He has his clothes, and that is all he deserves to get. I am ten years older than I was when I got together with him. A new life is waiting for me. I am not going to live the few years before I became a senior citizen living in an abusive relationship, with a man that calls evil good, and good evil. I am 55 years old, and I am precious in the Lord’s sight. No more abuse for me.

Leila*
November 2011