Richelle’s* Domestic Violence Story

I don’t even know where to start. When I initially met my partner he was charming, charismatic, quiet but seemed confident, had a lot of respect from many different types of people, and was so gorgeous with his electric blue eyes, high cheekbones, dark hair, perfect skin and teeth, and broad shoulders. He also had a rugged look about him with tattoos that really seemed to intrigue me too.

This started off slowly, we mat each other in town, went for a coffee, and exchanged numbers. He just seemed so perfect.

There were a few little incidents such as getting jealous if I mentioned another mans name, and would gather information about my previous boyfriends, but never really showed much aggression. He also was very quick to move into things I guess, like most abusers. Exclaiming that he wanted to settle down and have a family and have a ‘nice life’ by the time he was 30 (we were 24). Well…what he has created is anything but a nice life…

He appeared to be a bit of a drinker initially, but I never saw major issues with it. He would just talk a bit of garbage, and didn’t say anything particularly bad. Over the next few months though he became more violent with his drinking, I always had a rule I wouldn’t stay at his house when he was drinking so I stayed at my parents where i was living at the time. His texts and phonecalls became more abusive. Calling me a ‘party girl whore’ if I ever went out with my friends which was rare. Calling me a slut, dumb C’nt and would threaten ‘if you ever break my heart you will get it’.

This went on for a while, and I eventually threatened that if he didnt quit drinking ad get help then I would leave. This happened after one night when he went to my parents house (they weren’t there) and started yelling abuse at me through the windows trying to smash them. I got him in my car to drive him home, and he smashed my car window. The next day he cried and was apologetic, so I forgave him.

He had ‘slip ups’ of drinking where he cheated with a hooker (stupid me saw this as a chance for him to change.) He just got worse.

Even without the drinking he was abusive – I’ve been kicked out of the house countless times, had gifts destroyed infront of me, clothes burned, he’s pushed me a few times, slammed doors on me, threatened to break my nose.

He’s called me ugly, fat, disgusting, that he hates me, can;t stand to look at me, dog, mutt, and alsorts of things I’ve probably forgotten.

I hate having sex with him. I pretty much despise him. He will ignore me for weeks on end, playing mind games (long story but he starts talking about murders and playing violent movies/ music that he says remind him of killers). He will just stare at me, glare at me, will answer me if I ask a question but pretend he isn’t ignoring me (more mind games). Will laugh when he reduces me to tears because he is being nasty.

He then says the only reason he is nasty is because he doesnt trust me, and think I am cheating on him. He is the one that cheated on me, but I was never allowed to talk about that! His abuse got worse after that. I hate him. He always has pornos around the house and says how he has no problem performing for those women, but I don’t ‘do it for him anymore’. He says he only has them (he has heaps) because I don’t have sex iwth him. All I want is for him to sort out his behaviour, treat me nice, and we can have sex all the time happily! Even the odd porno I wouldn’t mind. He is obsessed though. Plus just nasty to me.

He wont lift his nastiness (which has gone on for 2 months now) until I break and have sex. The other day because I feel like I am going crazy, I feel insane, I’m not allowed to leave the house for anything but work (or else I get punished and ignored), I never do the dishes or cleaning right (I am always cleaning up after him, he is so messy!, I never pay for antthing – the only reason I live with him is because he forced me through scaring me and manipulating me), I’m always called names, told I am fat and ugly, some weeks I only get 2 hours of sleep a night because he keeps me awake…I hate having sex with him! I hate him! I lost it the other day…he was berating me over not being enough and not being good enough in regards to his pornos. I never have sex ‘right’ …he seems to only like violent sex – forced bj, anal etc which he said was about ‘power’. I just lost it. I went crazy. I jumped on him and tried to tear his clothes off all while screaming at him ‘cmon then!!! Do me! You weak prick!’ It was so unlike me! I feel like I just snapped after 2 years. He didn’t like that. Obviously he only likes sex his way, when he wants it, with who he wants it, how he wants it. He is in control.

I’m currently trying to think of a plan to get out. I hate who I have become. I used to love the gym, now I rarely go. I have gained 20kgs. I have no confidence. I am embarrassed to leave the house. I feel intense embarrassment going to work everyday. I hate myself. But I want to get out for my mum. I dont want to keep the cycle going. I hope to go to a refuge, quit my job (I have some savings, not much), then find a new job and place to live.

I am worried though if he cant find me, will he find my family! He knows where they live. I am terrified of him hurting them. He seems to back down when I have threatened him before with the cops. But i cant help but feel guilty if he harrasses or hurts my family. They dont deserve to go through my hell for me. My mum keeps telling me not to worry about other people though and to just do it. Everyone else will take care of themslves. I am in 2 minds though.

He is so obsessive with me I know he will go crazy! He also blackmails me with things I have done wromg morally and that it’s all my fault because I was abusive first. I am so ashamed. I never set out to hurt anyone, I’ve never been a bad person I’ve just been naive and selfish before.

I guess though, I’m no different to other abused women- they all have obsessive and psycho partners which is why its so hard to leave!

Richelle*
February 2013