Tonia’s* Domestic Violence Story

My life started when I decided to leave Indonesia to marry a man, 23 years my senior, hoping I would find a happier and much fulfilled life. I was married to this man for over 16 years, went back to school to earn a degree so we could get out one of the most economically depressed towns of Southern Illinois. I worked three jobs while going to school full time. My then husband barely worked. He took care of his disabled mother and received wages from the state earning only $500 every two weeks. He refused to get a job and made all the decisions about our life and my personal life. He often pretended to have back pain or not feeling well so that I could care for him and I would not bother him about finding a job. He insisted that he could not deal with people hence could not work. He forced me to have an abortion ta king me to the abortion clinic without me knowing what was going on after I found out I was pregnant. I was brought up in a culture where sex was taboo. He never discussed about me having the abortion. He took me there never said a single word even after the procedure was done.

I did really well in college, always made it to the dean’s list and graduated with honor. I was accepted to a graduate program with full scholarship but decided to turn it down after I found out I got hired to work for Fed government. I had difficult choice as I had always wanted to teach and be a professor. I took the job instead because at the time, I thought we needed health insurance for him as he appeared to be sick all the time. I didn’t realize that he was tricking me mentally.

My career went well, I got promoted and my the husband continuously forcing me to apply for.promotion after promotion. He put all his.ambitions on me. He controlled our finance. He made me feel bad when I bought present or sending money for my family. He made me feel bad when I spent time with friends.

After the birth of my child, My life literally evolves around my son and my husband’s complaints of not feeling well. He talked about dying frequently even to my young child.

In 2011, a visit from his sister in law changed my life from bad to worse. She came with a boyfriend who is much younger than she is. She just got divorced and awards $150000 in divorce settlement. She and her boyfriend took a road trip to new England and decided to visit us. They stayed for a couple weeks and during that time I learned to get to know him better, so I thought. He gave me the attention I was craving. He told me all of his adventurous life out west and in Alaska. He spent time playing with my son. Showered him and me with sweet attention and kindness. I fell madly in love with him and started to cheat on my then husband.

After a month or two we were dating I decided to tell my husband and filed for a divorce.

My nightmare started after we decided to move in together. He started being physically aggressive and controlling me mentally. He frequently called me names and belittled me.

He bullied my son and called him all kind of names as well. The situation got uglier after I found out I got pregnant. This was unplanned. I believed him when he told me he was sterile.

He drank and got drunk and became violent towards me and my son even while I was pregnant. He took my credit cards and maxed out on all of them forcing me to file for bankruptcy. I moved out of state to.live on the west coast to make him happy and took a demotion. Things never improved in the mean time. He was paranoid. He is a true example of narcissistic sociopath. He never holds a job very long. Always in trouble with his supervisors. He claimed he knows everything well and talks down on people.

After two years living in fear and spent a few nites at women shelter I too a courage to leave him. We have been living separately for almost a year. However, this traumatic experience has left me with mounting debt and stress which has affected my career immensely.

I’m looking forward to start a new life but I seems to encounter so many obstacles along the way.

I’m happy he is out of my life but I will hate him for the rest of my life for ruining my life.

Tonia*
June 2015